crazy? most likely. sleep deprived? not yet.

Are you happy? I mostly am. I have finally set some kind of goals for myself. Not that I always fallow through. More often then not I start something and then lose motivation. How do we keep ourselves motivated to keep pushing to the end of our goals?
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Pretty much I have just been lying in bed reading for the last hours an a half hoping to fall asleep. I remember always falling asleep while reading. I am now not only not asleep, but I can not stop thinkings about so many different thoughts. The more I try to get them out of my head and relax to fall asleep the more I seem to be thinking. Maybe it's just cause I am reading now. I haven't really read a book in a while. I bought a few with Emily while she was in town. I started reading one, but it down maybe 30 pages into the book. I picked it up the next night, tried to put it down and go to sleep but ended up staying awake until 7am just to finish reading. It really wasn't anything more then a high school nerd story type of book.
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I don't really know what this blog is about. Really I just can't sleep. I am never good with words so I can't seem to write what I am really thinking. Maybe I should just make a list. Although sitting here longer just keeps me awake that much longer. Oh well, before you know it, I will be on the same schedule as all of you are on. Wake up super early, and actually sleep at night. I don't quite know how I will adjust to that after being on my odd schedule for so long. I like it, but really, the opportunities and people I miss out on because I am always at work while life goes on I am sure are more then I want to know.

• -how am i going to afford to live on my own and pay for school?
• -when can i get rid of this crappy job to start school?
• -can i make my car really last for another year at the very least? who knows when i will be able to get a new one. not while i am in school or just starting out my new career.
• -how long will it take me to find that guy who i want to spend the rest of my life with. to have my own family and not just watch all my friends have theirs?
• -how can i hold on to money when i am not even out of debt?
• -what if i fail in school again?
• -what if i choose the wrong career? and will i even be happy doing it?

Those all sound so negative, but really I don't mean them to be. Just some thoughts. Maybe if I set them out there and don't just keep them in my head, I will do something about them. I really do, for the most part like my life. I am pretty much happy, but things will change, they have to and need to. It's a part of life. I am scared of change mostly I think because I have already gone through so much. I was always told by everyone as a youngster (teenager, or anything along those lines) that I was so grown up for my age. I may have been "grown up" or "mature" but I feel like I have found so much more about "grown up" within the last year. I really don't think I've been too childish. (thats not the wording I wanted to use, but again, not so good with words and I just can't get out what I mean..) My appearance and possibly attitude might appear so but, this is just me. I like me. I finally learned to stand up for myself. Do things for myself. Not that I couldn't before, and not that I have given up my caring nature, but I definitely have let myself let people push my limits. Take care of everything for someone else. Be what I thought might have been helpful but really, people still need to do things on their own. I still feel the need to make sure everyone I possibly can is taken care of, and to be there, but I can't hold the world together myself.
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I kind of just wondered off there. I don't know exactly what my point was, sorry for that lol. (and yes, I really did laugh out loud) I know you all worry about me. I guess I worry about me too sometimes. I just want to say even though I may not know how the things I am trying to work toward will turn out, I think I am making some positive choices. I am content with myself right now.
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I am still not tired.. I don't really know what I was trying to write here. This whole jumbled mess though, it's all just running through my head. It didn't really help get anything off my mind. I think I will reread this before work. Then I will decide if i should keep or delete it. I mean.. haha this whole blog is a mess. Hey there Mrs. English Teacher, how would I make this into a nice essay? I don't even think there was an actual point to this one. Eh, hope all is well with all of you readers out there.